10 stages of going ‘out out’ Mum style

1. Arrange it at least 4 months in advance

2. Lock it into Famcal and the wall calendar so husband can’t claim he was unaware and moan about staying in with kids. Continuously remind husband when it is happening as he will continually forget

3. Start discussing on the WhatsApp group what you’re all wearing and after much back and forth, all settle on ‘jeans and a nice top’

4. Recoil in horror when you discover the Spice Girls tribute you’re quite unreasonably excited about is not due to come on till 10pm and that is the time you’d ideally be calling an Uber to go home (seriously, the demographic here is surely other mums in their 30s who wanna get home at a reasonable time so they’re not looking after kids half dead the next day, just start the entertainment at 7:30 FFS!)

5. Spend the day feeling worryingly knackered and slightly tempted to stay in and vegetate on the sofa like you do 99% of the other Saturday nights. Tell yourself to man up.

6. Attempt to do your hair and make-up with a toddler hanging off you demanding her share of your make up and whilst tending to a teething baby

(accompanied by some classic 90s dance hits on Alexa, obvs)

7. Stress about which of your shoes will be both stylish and comfortable enough to dance in whilst pissed up on Becks and Prosecco later. Realise no such shoes exist and quietly cry inside for the inevitable pain and misery about to descend upon your poor battle scarred feet which these days are only used to slippers and Sketchers Go Walks

8. Arrive at venue. Remark to your mum friends that it’s ‘a bit loud’ and that ‘you’re going for a wee and then to the bar’. Look in the toilet mirror and realise that, yes, you definitely do look like a Mum that’s ‘out out’ rather than that 24 year old vixen of your halcyon days

9. Proceed to get extraordinarily drunk and dance like a twat until you realise that last beer really was an unnecessary mistake and you’ll be paying for it tomorrow when you’re trying to get through Auntie Margaret’s 80th birthday lunch at the Harvester.

1O. Go home and talk on WhatsApp about what a fab evening was had but how you’re never drinking again. Start planning the next one.

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